No More Regrets

I stumbled upon this article on BuzzFeed and it captured my imagination:

37 Things You'll Regret When You're Old

There are certainly things on that list that don't apply to me. I don't think I will regret giving up German after 6 years or worry about forgetting sunscreen. (Have you seen how pale I am?) But there are other things on this list that really hit home:

1. Not traveling when you had the chance
I wrote about this in previous posts. I have no idea if I will have the use of my legs next week. But... you don't know that about your legs either. There is so much I want to see. I am going to make travel a priority in my life. I need to do it now.

3. Staying in a bad relationship
Uh...guilty...

5. Missing the chance to see your favorite musicians
I worked at a record store through college. I've never had more fun or gotten in more trouble. And, oh boy, did I see concerts. I saw the Beastie Boys. I saw Pink Floyd in Italy. Kurt Cobain died three months after I saw Nirvana in concert. I saw INXS at the Salt Palace. And I saw Clarence Clemons play his sax when I attended the ESPYs. I saw Mother Love Bone and Alice in Chains. But I missed Stevie Ray Vaughn. I saw Whitney Houston, but not Michael Jackson. I wish I had seen Amy Winehouse, The Ramones, and The Clash.

6. Being scared to do things
I'm getting better at this... but I still have a long way to go.

7. Failing to make physical fitness a priority
When I was diagnosed with MS, my Dr. Sister told me that I need to make myself strong now to prepare for a day when I would need that strength. And since that moment, I have been working towards that. I've been skating, eating healthy, and taking the stairs. And I've been boxing, which is not only helping with my physical fitness, it is good for my mental health. I take an hour to pound on the heavy bag until my knuckles are raw and my elbows are bruised, always aiming right at the big letter T printed on the cover.

9. Not quitting a terrible job
This has never really been a problem for me. I am exceptionally employable. And while I have been downsized often (the technical writer is always the first to go), I have never had to wait too long before finding the next job. The job I had before the one I am currently in was intolerable. But it was only about four months between deciding I hated that job to finding the great job I have now. I find it kind of amazing how some people are much happier crying about how their job sucks than actually doing everything they can to improve their employment situation. I am not naive enough to think that all you have to do is activate your resume on Monster. It's no longer the mid-90s. But, if you really put your shoulder in it, you can usually improve your job situation. (As a super amazing added bonus, my last job is where I met Sara! That alone made it all worth it.)

10. Not trying harder in school
I often wonder how my life would have been different if I actually applied myself at school. If I had better work habits in junior high, I would have done better during the transition to high school. What if I had good enough grades to apply to an Ivy League school or study overseas? But thinking about that is a silly exercise. I can't go back in time and take a different path. I wish life was like a Choose-Your-Own Adventure book, where you can do it again if you don't like the outcome.

11. Not realizing how beautiful you were
Were? Fuck that! Am!

15. Caring too much about what other people think
If you are someone I care about, of course I care what you think. But I never was too concerned with trying to please people. Or at least not since I escaped the seventh circle of hell known as high school. 

16. Supporting others' dreams over your own
Again... guilty... See this post: Pontiff-icating

18. Holding grudges, especially with those you love
The first person I need to learn to forgive is myself. I am holding a big grudge against that chick in the mirror. She is always messing things up for me. That bitch. 

21. Neglecting you teeth
My new standards for a man will include dental care. I am not shallow. Nor am I a dental snob. But I think that a man that cares about his teeth will most likely care about your teeth. And your overall health and well being. He won't let you drive off while having a miscarriage so he can go watch football with the slutty girls. He won't make you tell him you have MS over a text message because he is too busy dating to return a call. I mean... just for hypothetical examples.

22. Missing the chance to ask your grandparents questions before they die
All four of my grandparents are gone. My paternal grandpa died when I was very young, and that grandma was not a big fan of me. But my mom's parents were wonderful and I have many happy memories with them. I will never forget sitting on their bed in their little retirement farmhouse and asking my grandpa very complicated questions. Which he found a way to explain to me. I wish I could talk to him now. I could use his wisdom.

28. Letting yourself be defined by cultural expectations
I grew up a non-Mormon in Salt Lake City. I am immune to cultural expectations.

30. Not playing with your kids enough
I am terribly guilty of this. I am just so tired at the end of the day, the idea of playing video games or going on a bike ride seems like a huge undertaking. But, Kidlet has recently discovered the joys of reading. And now we sit, quietly side by side, reading our books. I can't tell you how much I love that he is a reader.

31. Never taking a big risk (especially in love)
I think it will be a while until I take another big risk in love. I seem to get kicked in the teeth every time I do.

33. Worrying too much
I am getting better about letting go of things that I cannot control or change. And I know I have gotten better at letting go of the things in my life that cause me pain.

37. Not being grateful sooner
I am grateful. For all of it. My whole life. The happy and the painful. The illness and the strength. I am really liking the person I am becoming.

Johann and Me

I am pretty unlucky in love. Unlucky might be a bit of an understatement. I’ve had three relationships that have left a giant path of destruction in my life.

Aristotle tells us that we cannot learn without pain. Lessons learned. I think Johann Wolfgang von Goethe also learned those same lessons.

In my last blog post, I wrote about how truths speak to my soul. Goethe speaks the same language of my soul. His writings—almost 200 years old—touch me in a way that is hard to describe. But I equate it to be the same way I reacted to seeing The David in Florence. First stepping into The Metropolitan Museum of Art felt holy to me. The most spiritual moment of my life might be when a saw the first of many orcas swim by the whale watching boat in Alaska.

Goethe was a German philosopher, writer, and polymath. He wrote poetry, studied biology, and created beautiful art. He described himself as “not anti-Christian.” He was a humanist and a pantheist, believing that the universe itself is the divine. It is really no wonder that his works feed my soul.

I love recklessly. I know that I do. I have to wonder if Goethe had the same affliction. Regardless, his writings help me see the lessons that squirm out of the rubble.

The first disaster to cut through my life was like a tornado. My ex-husband is a very decent man and an extremely good father. But we weren’t destined to be together. And the very action I took to bolster our marriage was the one act that could only doom it.

When Number One was finishing graduate school, we both started to look for work to get out of the city we both disliked. He was talking to a company in Seattle. Living in Seattle has always appealed to me. Meanwhile, I was talking to a company in the Midwest. It was a dream job for me, but it wasn’t in a particularly rich city for One to find work. When I talked to One about the possibility of moving there, he balked. So when I was offered the job, I declined. I looked like an asshole to my good friend who had recommended me for the job. Then, One didn’t get a job offer from Seattle. We both lost. I think I always held that against him.

Goethe believed in dreams. He would have chastised me for abandoning my dreams to chase the dreams of someone else. I will never do that again.

Number Two was a tsunami that destroyed everything foundational in my life and hurt every person that I loved. I never loved Two, but I liked him an awful lot and he was offering me all I ever thought I wanted. So I sold my soul to that devil. And I will never forgive myself for doing so. The price it cost me can never be measured.

It was a confusing, chaotic time. The one idea that I clung to like a drowning woman was that good things can come from this nightmare I created. Strength will be found. Bravery will be discovered. Grace will be required.

I hurt the people I love. I will never forgive myself for that. But, I do believe that great beauty has come from that tsunami. Everything is being rebuilt.

Number Three was like an earthquake. After the earth shifted from under me, toppling everything I believed to be sound, I crawled from the pile of bricks and began to rebuild. Only to be struck by aftershock after aftershock. This earthquake destroyed my most valued trust. Three stole my trust in myself.

Like any betrayal of trust, the trust I had in myself needs to be rebuild slowly and carefully. I need to move away from the fault line.

I will never again allow myself to let someone else hold my heart or my dreams. I will never again sacrifice everything I want in order to get one thing that I want. I don’t mean I won’t love. I will. I will love and trust. But I will never let my heart—my happiness—be placed in any other hands.

Kevin Help Us

Sometimes, you can find encouragement and enlightenment in unexpected places. I heard this quote recently:

“Do stupid shit that’s cool. It helps.”

I know what you are thinking. But no, this quote is not from the wisdom of the Buddha or the writings of Rene Descartes. I heard this quote while listening to a podcast.

I love listening to podcasts while I am doing mindless activates, such as housework or online dating. One of my favorite podcasters is writer/director Kevin Smith.

I don’t even remember in which of his podcasts he said this. But I remember hitting the tiny iPhone button that rewinds the audio 15 seconds. I listened to it again, and I wrote it down.

Aside: Do we still rewind when there is no longer any audio that is actually on tape?

Anyway, I dig Kevin Smith. I admire his writing ability, his voice. I like that he curses a lot, just like me. I like how he became a filmmaker. He just decided to be a filmmaker. Then he did it.

In his book Tough Shit, he writes:

“There’s a trick to being whatever you want to be in life. It starts with the simple belief that you are what or who you say you are.”

Most of the things I "am" are not because of a calculated decision on my part. I am technical writing for a living, because the first job I got after graduating--with a fairly useless communications degree--was writing for the software industry. It was serendipitous that I found a writing job where I could be part of an exciting industry. It was also unstable, because that is how the software industry is. But am I a technical writer? That isn’t what I want to be in life.

I have an amazing son, which is great. But motherhood happened mostly because that was just the path that I thought I should take. Being a mom was never something I dreamed about being as a young girl. I was married, I was approaching 30. I thought a baby was what was next. I wouldn’t trade that pisser of a kid for anything in the world. But is a mom who I am?  I’m not sure. Maybe?

I certainly never want to think of myself as sick. I don’t feel sick. I don’t know what having a chronic illness is supposed to feel like. But right now, MS is mostly in my head, as well as my brain. I think about it all the time. It’s never very far away. I know I have to accept the fact that this is my normal. But I refuse to believe that I am anyone’s patient.

I want to be a Derby Girl. I want to be tough, and strong, and powerful. I believe I am a Derby Girl. I am terrible at skating. I struggle with endurance. I still haven’t done that damn crossover. But I am learning and training. I’m not going to be a Derby Girl. I am a Derby Girl. Believe it.

So do some stupid shit every once in a while. Chase a dream. Believe in yourself. It helps.