For the Love of Words: Fishnets Edition

Holy bleep! I did a crossover! I can do a crossover! I surprised the hell out of myself the first time I did it. It is starting to feel like my skating is shaping up a little bit. And, in honor of no longer being the worst derby skater in the world, we will finish up The Words trilogy by going over some of the best words that apply to those on eight wheels.

I’m sure you have noticed, Derby Girls all have phenomenal asses. There are reasons that booty shorts are part of the Boutfit. Tight shorts show off the callipygian (having beautiful, shapely buttocks; 18^th century bootylicious) curves those girls that have spent so many sweaty, aching hours doing squats and lunges. On skates.

Bet you didn’t know there was a word for that. Come to think of it, there has probably been a word for that for as long as there have been butts. Or, at least words.

I have schwellenangst (fear of trying something new) when it comes to booty shorts. I’ve seen the results of a skid across a track while essentially wearing a Speedo. Looks like it hurts. A lot.

Speaking of asses… Derby can be a real pygalgia (a literal pain in the buttocks). Just to be clear about the meaning of this word, MRIs are a pain in the ass. Rink rash is a pygalgia. A subtle, but important, distinction.

OK, esoteric Scrabble words aside, the best derby words are from the Derby Lingo. You probably won’t find these terms as answers for the New York Times Crossword. But if you learn to speak a little Derby before attending your first bout, I think you will enjoy it a little more. And don’t worry. Derby fans love to talk to a virgin (someone at their first derby bout) about the ins and outs. Uh… so to speak.

Aside—Derby is a serious game played by real athletes and elite teams. It is also is a lot of fun, with deep roots in a subculture. And it never takes itself too seriously. But—fair warning—never let the funny smirk you get when learning the lingo distract you. Because that blocker that was behind you is skating up next to you, with the sole purpose of knocking your ass to the ground.

Disclaimer—I don't, in any way, consider myself an athlete. But, I can do a crossover now! So there’s that.

I think we have covered the booty shorts. But there are other articles of derby clothing that complete your Boutfit. Panties are the helmet covers passed around to the skaters before (and occasionally during) a jam. The skater wearing the star panty is the Jammer—the one who scores the points— for the next jam. The panty with the large white stripe signifies the Pivot—the one who sets the pace.

Also found in the derby lingerie aisle, fishnets are a grand derby tradition. And wearing fishnets can result in the iconic fishnet burn—mark of a true Derby Girl. It is a form of rink rash (the badass result of skidding across the track), with an awesome criss-cross pattern. A CroKiss (a Velcro kiss) is another badge of honor. This abrasion happens when you rub against the Velcro of another skater’s pads.

So those are the burns. Then there are the injuries that occur when you make contact with another girl’s skate. Sometime in a, shall we say, sensitive area. Actually, when you are a super-talented faller like myself, you can actually land on your own skate. Skate Rape leaves you feeling slightly violated, and you might end up with a Giner Shiner (that would be a crotch bruise). Stop laughing. First of all, I didn’t name these things. And second, they hurt for days!

But it isn’t only a skate that can invade your personal space. One well-placed backward hand in perfect derby stance may land squarely between the legs of the skater behind you. It’s called a Beaver Cleaver. And this is how we end up such good friends with our teammates. This is also what makes co-ed derby so fun. I wonder what they call it when you cleave the guy behind you...

And then there is the injury that will take you out of the game for months. Nine months, to be specific. Remember, in Derby, it's better to get knocked down than knocked up.

Are Derby Girls hostile towards babies? After all, when a pack catches up with--and swallows--the jammer, it's called eating the baby. Paints quite the picture, doesn't it?

The only thing cuter than babies? Animals! And there are plenty of animals in Derby terminology. For example, you will often find a herd of Zebras (those would be the officials) in a barcode meeting. You might find a Goat (an opposing player held behind a blocking wall) being pulled away from her team, slowing her down, helping your team control the jam by setting the pace.

Then there is the rare and mythic Unicorn. When a jammer scores all five possible points by clearing the pack and lapping the opposing jammer, that is a Grand Slam. The epic Jammer that can do that five times in one jam? That’s the Unicorn.

There was a rule change in 2013 that made this next one obsolete. But it is too good not to include. Before the change, it was, on occasion, strategically beneficial for a skater to receive a penalty. For example, if they were sitting on three minor penalties, they might have wanted to pick up a fourth before they skated as the jammer. This reset their minor penalty tally. So they were intentionally picking up a minor. Or… wait for it… Cougaring.

Fresh-ish Meat

Last night, I started with the freshest round of Fresh Meat training, or FM2. The nicest part about it was that were several familiar faces that shared my same skating philosophy: train with the beginners until my skills and confidence are strong enough to skate with the veterans.

I did exponentially better than I fared on Day One of FM1. But I still got fatigued last night. The two skaters who were graduating from the Junior’s program to skate with the big girls—girls literally young enough to be my daughters—rolled circles around me.

I still can’t do a great crossover. And, I still didn’t do very many laps, let alone 27 by 5.

27 laps in five minutes is a minimum requirement for being able to scrimmage. This both measures your speed and your fitness level. It is difficult at best, impossible without mastering a crossover.

But here is what else happened last night: I got some individual coaching on how to do a turnaround toe stop. I need to break it down into the components involved. Open the door, close the door, up on your toes. Meaning you roll one foot forward, placing your other foot behind it heel-to-heel. That’s the open door. Then you bring the first foot around to close the door. You roll backwards for a moment, then pop up onto your toe stops.

A couple veterans talked me through how to work on crossovers while I am off skates. I need to practice the moves near a wall so I begin to master the weight shift from one foot to the others. I need to use the simple task of going upstairs as a training opportunity. Instead of putting my feet perpendicular to the stair, put them parallel to it and push up, crossing your outside leg to the next stair.

I learned about a ball stretcher. It’s ok fellas. Uncross your legs. A ball stretcher is a cobbler’s tool to expand and stretch certain parts of your boot.

I was having uncomfortable cramping and pain on the base of my little toe. Jane, my derby Yoda, told me she would loan me this tool that, along with a hair dryer, can make my skates much more comfortable and help lessen the foot fatigue I was experiencing. Once again, I was fighting my equipment.

As an aside, don’t search Amazon for ball stretchers while at work.

I need to break down my 27 by 5 into manageable bites. I need to get my strength and endurance up to skate 27 laps with no regard to time. I need to master the crossover. OK, maybe not master, but certainly be a crossover under-graduate. I will baby-step my way to clearing this minimum.

And this happened last night. I made some new friends. I really felt like part of the group. I was razzed and teased and included in the razzing and teasing of others. I was complimented on the Velma stickers I put on my helmet. We talked tattoos and haircuts. I felt both welcome and missed while I was off on vacation.

I didn’t leave the training frustrated or down. I walked out the door already thinking about the next practice and how to get some extra training in until then.

Kevin Help Us

Sometimes, you can find encouragement and enlightenment in unexpected places. I heard this quote recently:

“Do stupid shit that’s cool. It helps.”

I know what you are thinking. But no, this quote is not from the wisdom of the Buddha or the writings of Rene Descartes. I heard this quote while listening to a podcast.

I love listening to podcasts while I am doing mindless activates, such as housework or online dating. One of my favorite podcasters is writer/director Kevin Smith.

I don’t even remember in which of his podcasts he said this. But I remember hitting the tiny iPhone button that rewinds the audio 15 seconds. I listened to it again, and I wrote it down.

Aside: Do we still rewind when there is no longer any audio that is actually on tape?

Anyway, I dig Kevin Smith. I admire his writing ability, his voice. I like that he curses a lot, just like me. I like how he became a filmmaker. He just decided to be a filmmaker. Then he did it.

In his book Tough Shit, he writes:

“There’s a trick to being whatever you want to be in life. It starts with the simple belief that you are what or who you say you are.”

Most of the things I "am" are not because of a calculated decision on my part. I am technical writing for a living, because the first job I got after graduating--with a fairly useless communications degree--was writing for the software industry. It was serendipitous that I found a writing job where I could be part of an exciting industry. It was also unstable, because that is how the software industry is. But am I a technical writer? That isn’t what I want to be in life.

I have an amazing son, which is great. But motherhood happened mostly because that was just the path that I thought I should take. Being a mom was never something I dreamed about being as a young girl. I was married, I was approaching 30. I thought a baby was what was next. I wouldn’t trade that pisser of a kid for anything in the world. But is a mom who I am?  I’m not sure. Maybe?

I certainly never want to think of myself as sick. I don’t feel sick. I don’t know what having a chronic illness is supposed to feel like. But right now, MS is mostly in my head, as well as my brain. I think about it all the time. It’s never very far away. I know I have to accept the fact that this is my normal. But I refuse to believe that I am anyone’s patient.

I want to be a Derby Girl. I want to be tough, and strong, and powerful. I believe I am a Derby Girl. I am terrible at skating. I struggle with endurance. I still haven’t done that damn crossover. But I am learning and training. I’m not going to be a Derby Girl. I am a Derby Girl. Believe it.

So do some stupid shit every once in a while. Chase a dream. Believe in yourself. It helps.

Improvements

I’m feeling stronger today.

My hand is feeling better. And I learned a new word: Paresthesias, a sensation of tingling, tickling, pricking, or burning of the skin. This is what I was experiencing in my hand and arm. I also learned that one of the best pharmaceutical remedies for it is actually a drug invented for something else. Amitriptyline is a pill developed as an antidepressant, but it has been found to be a powerful sleep aid and lessen the effects of paresthesias. Win, win, win. Sign me up.

(OK, quick aside. Can we all agree that I know the correct word for that hand burning sensation and just start calling it the Burning Annoyance? Easier to spell.)

And I had a great skate lesson. I am feeling more confident. People I skate with are starting to notice my improvement of both ability and endurance. I am learning the basics, becoming more comfortable, and starting to gain the confidence I need. And… I still haven’t done a crossover. But I will! Soon! Stay tuned for reports…

Here is what I am trying now: gliding on one skate. Moving forward in roller skates often involves having only one skate on the ground. I am trying to retrain my legs and my brain. I need to pick up my feet when I skate, and I need to spend some time keeping them up. Not at the same time, of course. That would be more like diving or riding a magic carpet.

I need to start walking like a duck, at least while skating. Toes out. This is the method of accelerating on skates. You make a V with your feet, then start stepping forward. Duck walk, fall, get up, rinse, and repeat. Just like Chuck Berry, without the guitar. 

He didn’t fall as much…