Thursday, January 16, 2014

2014: Chapter 1.1

I've been sick for over a week. Miserably knock-me-on-my-ass sick. My throat felt like I was swallowing razor blades. I couldn't sleep. No food appealed to me. And this cold sent me off into some dark places. I was completely fatigued. Razor throat has left me weak from hunger. My thoughts are not nice to me when I am in this condition. I go to dark places.

From time to time, when my son is over-tired, he tells me that he is having bad thoughts. Then we will sit and snuggle and talk about happy memories. I get bad thoughts too. But no one is usually around to guide me out of dark places.

I was done. Done with everything. I was surrendering. I was going to quit everything and stay home and binge-watch Netflix. I was giving up derby and boxing, thinking that the couch I was curled up on was the perfect place to live out my days. I hadn't been on skates for almost two weeks. I was feeling quite defeated. My thoughts were betraying me. In fact, betrayal was abound. And I was not only burdened with these feelings of loss, I was fighting the fear that I am now damaged goods. I was terribly lonely. And who in the hell would sign up for life tainted by this MS nonsense? Why would anyone want to be part of all this?

I've annihilated my immune system in the hope that it will stop attacking my brain. I'm not sure that is why my cold was so bad, but I have a hunch it didn't help. I was just downright, old fashioned blue. I had made all these goals for 2014. Two weeks into the year, and I was already failing. I was already climbing out of the pool. Abandoning the notion of ever catching the beach ball. In fact, I was plotting ways to just puncture the damn thing. Then, even if it could never look like I wanted it to look, that ball could never float away.

But this morning, I woke up feeling better.

The first thing I noticed was that I actually had to be woken up by my alarm. I don't remember the last time that happened. And when I was brushing my teeth, I noticed that I drank my cup of water with nary a flinch.

And little things happened that are starting to add up to me being in a better place. Derby girls are encouraging me to get back on the track. Sara is back from her travel adventures. I so missed her. And she has also offered to skate with me. I think I have the energy to pound on a heavy bag. I know for sure that I have the desire to punch on one. My work is feeling like I have a firmer grasp on it. Kidlet seems happy.

I'm getting things back on the rails. It was a short delay, and it's over. Onward ho! But it is a little scary because I don't know what is ahead of me a mile down the tracks. I'm the kind of person that reads the end of the book first. It actually enhances my enjoyment. I know most people don't understand that. But some of you will know what I mean.

I want to know how it's going to end. I want to read the end of my book. I can deal with whatever it reveals. I just want to know. And I can't.

A year ago, I thought I knew where I was heading. Then things started tilting for me. I had my hysterectomy, which was a much bigger ordeal than I had thought it would be. Someone I thought I would know forever moved away and is fading from my life. My eye started to spark, alerting me that all was not well. I was introduced to the claustrophobia of the MRI machine. I learned to give myself a shot. I have weekly fever chills. And there are sharps containers in my house.

This was not what I wanted. This was not where I wanted to be. But... here I am. And, I'm OK.

I'm OK that it might take me twice as long to get over a cold than a year ago. Because I was just reminded that I can get over it. I know it will take me a long time to improve my skating, but I want to. I so, so want to. And I was reminded that a lot of people want to help me succeed. It will take me a lot longer to get over the loss of a love. But, these are the losses that make it so clear who belongs in your life. And who should not get that privilege. And that is important information.

These occasional times of being off the rails are actually quite valuable. Sometimes dark places bring clarity. They give you the glimpse of what you want to grab on to. And what you need to let go of. And damn it, I want the beach ball. I deserve it. And I don't have time for anything or anyone who doesn't help me get it.

So I hereby announce a restart. The last week is just not going to count. This week, 2014 begins again for me.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad you are feeling better (emotionally and physically!) And I totally get reading the end of the book first. ;)