Stephen King is an amazing writer. I am in awe of his talent. I am drawn to his stories. One reason I love reading King's scary tales is because the
characters in them are (usually) worse off than me. I never get stalked by
killer clowns, and I have yet to see an actual ghost. It isn’t schadenfreude.
I’m not secretly pleased that Danny Torrence sees hedge animals trying to kill
him. But I am glad that I don’t have THAT problem.
But here is the thing about
Stephen King characters. They hardly ever give up. For better or worse, they
continue the journey all the way through to the epilogue.
I am not very good about handling things when they get hard.
There is a secret corner in the back of my mind that is constantly whispering
to me, telling me to quit when things get difficult or if I’m not immediately good at something.
A couple things happened yesterday to help me quiet those voices. At least for now.
Aside—Seriously, MS leaves holes all over my brain, but it
can't take out the self-doubt chunk? Thanks a lot, MS.
The first thing that happened was that I had a good skate. It
has been a few weeks since I was out really working on a rink. Life had just
gotten in the way. But I got out there and could feel that I was improving. I
was actually told I was improving, so that helps too.
The other thing that happened was that I figured out some of
the things that I really want in my life. And I think I started to figure out
how to go about getting them. As hard as it will be, I want them badly enough
to power through. Things have seriously changed for me in the last couple months.
I was turned ass over teakettle. Up was down. Right was… not so right. And it
has been hard. Very, very hard. Which must mean it’s worth it.
I think for people like me—over-thinkers, over-planners,
over-sensitive—that life supposed to be hard. Maybe for people who are like me
and can never quiet the thoughts bouncing around, there has to be some
obstacles thrown up in order to slow us down. So we can catch our breath. So
we can regroup.
I may look like I’ve got my shit together. But, deep
down, I’m terrified. I am scared. I’m scared to fall. One thing that I finally
figured out this week is that this fear is holding me down, keeping me from
succeeding. When all I can think about is falling, I will fall. If I am afraid
of getting hurt, I make myself much more vulnerable to pain.
Things in my life are difficult. But difficult doesn’t mean
impossible. All it means is that I have to work harder to get what you
want. It also means that success will
not look like what I thought it should.
Forget the risks. Take the fall. You will be stronger for
getting up again. It’s not going to be easy for me. But it is going to be worth
it.
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