Stephen King is an amazing writer. I am in awe of his talent. I am drawn to his stories. One reason I love reading King's scary tales is because the characters in them are (usually) worse off than me. I never get stalked by killer clowns, and I have yet to see an actual ghost. It isn’t schadenfreude. I’m not secretly pleased that Danny Torrence sees hedge animals trying to kill him. But I am glad that I don’t have THAT problem.
But here is the thing about Stephen King characters. They hardly ever give up. For better or worse, they continue the journey all the way through to the epilogue.
I am not very good about handling things when they get hard. There is a secret corner in the back of my mind that is constantly whispering to me, telling me to quit when things get difficult or if I’m not immediately good at something.
A couple things happened yesterday to help me quiet those voices. At least for now.
Aside—Seriously, MS leaves holes all over my brain, but it can't take out the self-doubt chunk? Thanks a lot, MS.
The first thing that happened was that I had a good skate. It has been a few weeks since I was out really working on a rink. Life had just gotten in the way. But I got out there and could feel that I was improving. I was actually told I was improving, so that helps too.
The other thing that happened was that I figured out some of the things that I really want in my life. And I think I started to figure out how to go about getting them. As hard as it will be, I want them badly enough to power through. Things have seriously changed for me in the last couple months. I was turned ass over teakettle. Up was down. Right was… not so right. And it has been hard. Very, very hard. Which must mean it’s worth it.
I think for people like me—over-thinkers, over-planners, over-sensitive—that life supposed to be hard. Maybe for people who are like me and can never quiet the thoughts bouncing around, there has to be some obstacles thrown up in order to slow us down. So we can catch our breath. So we can regroup.
I may look like I’ve got my shit together. But, deep down, I’m terrified. I am scared. I’m scared to fall. One thing that I finally figured out this week is that this fear is holding me down, keeping me from succeeding. When all I can think about is falling, I will fall. If I am afraid of getting hurt, I make myself much more vulnerable to pain.
Things in my life are difficult. But difficult doesn’t mean impossible. All it means is that I have to work harder to get what you want. It also means that success will not look like what I thought it should.
Forget the risks. Take the fall. You will be stronger for getting up again. It’s not going to be easy for me. But it is going to be worth it.