The Savage Beast*

I’ve written before about my workout playlist that I have on my iPod to motivate me. I also have a playlist that makes my heart feel better. And I sing along with great gusto (while alone in the car).

Of course, the heartbroken among you probably have the Adele and Alanis songs on repeat. I am recommending the following tunes to supplement those**:

Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Since U been gone
I can breathe for the first time

I'm so moving on
Thanks to you, now I get what I want

Some people are lucky enough to have never experienced being crushed under the boot of someone that claimed to love them. They don’t understand the very real, physical pain. When you break up, your body triggers a fight or flight reaction that can—quite literally—take your breath away. When someone gets betrayed, their opiate levels plummet, causing real hurt. Here’s the good news: eating chocolate causes opiate levels to surge. Chocolate really does make you feel better. Pass the M&Ms, please.

Blow Me (One Last Kiss) by P!nk 

See also: So What and Raise Your Glass

I think I’ve finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us
Blow me (one last kiss) 

Take it in
I mean what I say when I say there is nothing  left

Is there any feeling as simultaneously painful and freeing as the wave of emotion that covers you when you decide and accept that you do not have anything else to give a relationship? 

Gives You Hell by All-American Rejects

If you find a man that’s worth a damn and treats you will
Then he’s a fool, you’re just as well

Hope it gives you hell 

Tomorrow you’ll be thinking to yourself

Where did I go wrong?

But the list goes on and on

I change the lyrics to woman and she’s when I sing it out. I have a feeling the band wouldn’t mind. 

Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood

I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights
I slashed a hole in all four tires

Maybe next time, he’ll think before he cheats 

I might have saved a little trouble for the next girl

'Cause next time that he cheats

You know it won’t be on me

I love this one on several levels. The first is that I believe Mr. E will ALWAYS cheat and lie, unless he gets some help and puts in some hard work. It’s a pathology that I was foolish enough to think we could fix together. But it's bigger than the both of us. 

I also like this one because E tried to teach me how to swing a bat. I love picturing me using those skills on his car. Not that I would, but it's nice to picture. 

Irreplaceable by Beyonce

You can pack all your bags

We’re finished
‘Cause you made your bed, now lay in it

I could have another you by tomorrow

Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin’

That you’re irreplaceable

Mr. E has said on occasion that he is sure I will never find another man like him. Here’s hoping he is right. I'm not strong enough for another earthquake. 

We Came to Smash by Martin Solveig

We came to smash, smash

This one is just plain loud and fun.

* Soothing the savage beast is actually misquoting the source material. The actual quote is:

Music has charms to soothe a savage breast

That is the first line from the tragedy The Mourning Bride, written in 1697 by William Congreve. He is saying that music can calm your inner turmoil and heal your heart, which happens to be right under your breast.

By the way, later in that play, Congreve writes:

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned

Nor Hell a fury like a woman scorned

Just sayin’.

**These songs will help heal your heart. But they will also help remind you that you are strong, smart, and beautiful. And you should be with someone who thinks he/she is the luckiest person on earth to get to be with you. Don’t settle for less. (And remind me of this every once in a while.)

No More Regrets

I stumbled upon this article on BuzzFeed and it captured my imagination:

37 Things You'll Regret When You're Old

There are certainly things on that list that don't apply to me. I don't think I will regret giving up German after 6 years or worry about forgetting sunscreen. (Have you seen how pale I am?) But there are other things on this list that really hit home:

1. Not traveling when you had the chance
I wrote about this in previous posts. I have no idea if I will have the use of my legs next week. But... you don't know that about your legs either. There is so much I want to see. I am going to make travel a priority in my life. I need to do it now.

3. Staying in a bad relationship
Uh...guilty...

5. Missing the chance to see your favorite musicians
I worked at a record store through college. I've never had more fun or gotten in more trouble. And, oh boy, did I see concerts. I saw the Beastie Boys. I saw Pink Floyd in Italy. Kurt Cobain died three months after I saw Nirvana in concert. I saw INXS at the Salt Palace. And I saw Clarence Clemons play his sax when I attended the ESPYs. I saw Mother Love Bone and Alice in Chains. But I missed Stevie Ray Vaughn. I saw Whitney Houston, but not Michael Jackson. I wish I had seen Amy Winehouse, The Ramones, and The Clash.

6. Being scared to do things
I'm getting better at this... but I still have a long way to go.

7. Failing to make physical fitness a priority
When I was diagnosed with MS, my Dr. Sister told me that I need to make myself strong now to prepare for a day when I would need that strength. And since that moment, I have been working towards that. I've been skating, eating healthy, and taking the stairs. And I've been boxing, which is not only helping with my physical fitness, it is good for my mental health. I take an hour to pound on the heavy bag until my knuckles are raw and my elbows are bruised, always aiming right at the big letter T printed on the cover.

9. Not quitting a terrible job
This has never really been a problem for me. I am exceptionally employable. And while I have been downsized often (the technical writer is always the first to go), I have never had to wait too long before finding the next job. The job I had before the one I am currently in was intolerable. But it was only about four months between deciding I hated that job to finding the great job I have now. I find it kind of amazing how some people are much happier crying about how their job sucks than actually doing everything they can to improve their employment situation. I am not naive enough to think that all you have to do is activate your resume on Monster. It's no longer the mid-90s. But, if you really put your shoulder in it, you can usually improve your job situation. (As a super amazing added bonus, my last job is where I met Sara! That alone made it all worth it.)

10. Not trying harder in school
I often wonder how my life would have been different if I actually applied myself at school. If I had better work habits in junior high, I would have done better during the transition to high school. What if I had good enough grades to apply to an Ivy League school or study overseas? But thinking about that is a silly exercise. I can't go back in time and take a different path. I wish life was like a Choose-Your-Own Adventure book, where you can do it again if you don't like the outcome.

11. Not realizing how beautiful you were
Were? Fuck that! Am!

15. Caring too much about what other people think
If you are someone I care about, of course I care what you think. But I never was too concerned with trying to please people. Or at least not since I escaped the seventh circle of hell known as high school. 

16. Supporting others' dreams over your own
Again... guilty... See this post: Pontiff-icating

18. Holding grudges, especially with those you love
The first person I need to learn to forgive is myself. I am holding a big grudge against that chick in the mirror. She is always messing things up for me. That bitch. 

21. Neglecting you teeth
My new standards for a man will include dental care. I am not shallow. Nor am I a dental snob. But I think that a man that cares about his teeth will most likely care about your teeth. And your overall health and well being. He won't let you drive off while having a miscarriage so he can go watch football with the slutty girls. He won't make you tell him you have MS over a text message because he is too busy dating to return a call. I mean... just for hypothetical examples.

22. Missing the chance to ask your grandparents questions before they die
All four of my grandparents are gone. My paternal grandpa died when I was very young, and that grandma was not a big fan of me. But my mom's parents were wonderful and I have many happy memories with them. I will never forget sitting on their bed in their little retirement farmhouse and asking my grandpa very complicated questions. Which he found a way to explain to me. I wish I could talk to him now. I could use his wisdom.

28. Letting yourself be defined by cultural expectations
I grew up a non-Mormon in Salt Lake City. I am immune to cultural expectations.

30. Not playing with your kids enough
I am terribly guilty of this. I am just so tired at the end of the day, the idea of playing video games or going on a bike ride seems like a huge undertaking. But, Kidlet has recently discovered the joys of reading. And now we sit, quietly side by side, reading our books. I can't tell you how much I love that he is a reader.

31. Never taking a big risk (especially in love)
I think it will be a while until I take another big risk in love. I seem to get kicked in the teeth every time I do.

33. Worrying too much
I am getting better about letting go of things that I cannot control or change. And I know I have gotten better at letting go of the things in my life that cause me pain.

37. Not being grateful sooner
I am grateful. For all of it. My whole life. The happy and the painful. The illness and the strength. I am really liking the person I am becoming.