Living Life in the Front Row

Never pass up the opportunity to sit in the Suicide Seats.

If you ever go to a Derby bout, you may notice that there are some diehard fans sitting 10 feet away from the track, in the Suicide Seats. It’s dangerous. You have a very real possibility of getting a skate in the ear or a Derby Girl in your lap. That is not as hot as it sounds. There is a distinct odor of unwashed pads and ferocity.

And they are the best seats in the house.

My heart is healing more and more each day. I was talking to my friend Drew about how my brain needs to take over decision-making from my heart. He actually had a different perspective:

Yeah, the head & heart are usually at odds with each other; but I've learned that at its core, the heart actually knows what's best.  It truly knows what you want & how you want to be treated. 

The head tries to rationalize everything, the bad and the good. It's very logic based and analytical. "Why does this happen?" Or, "Why am I like this?"  It is looking for a list of answers, like a Google search result. The problem is that stupid little voice in our heads that says...  “Because you’re stupid. You deserve it. You’re worthless.” And every other negative thought or comment you ever had or heard. 

The head also holds on to regret—"I should of known better"—that the heart does not.  

Always follow your heart.

When my friend Kurt asked me how I can possibly be single, I told him the story that brought me back to the dating pool. His response was incredibly uplifting:

Hey Queen of Marigold, (Isn't that the best nickname ever?!?)

That is a very sad story. I am very sorry that such a smart and beautiful (and patient, definitely patient!) woman like yourself had to experience this. You must have really loved him.

What an idiot that dude is. But, you already know that.

I dig that flower on your shoulder!

And your eyes light up when you smile - that is super cool!

And anyone to whom your smile is addressed must feel very warm and happy and lucky. That's a wonderful gift you have. And anyone who gives up that smile doesn’t  deserve the color your bring into the world.

Kurt sent me this link:

30 ways to live life to the fullest

Kurt’s link intrigued me. The article was compiled by asking people: How do you live life to the fullest?

The responses are great, and so worth taking to heart. But a couple of them jumped out and bit me on the nose. They demanded my attention.

Forget the past and don’t concern yourself with the future.

I can’t change a single thing that has already happened. And I can’t control a single thing that is going to happen. So I need to stop trying to. There are so many things I wish I could go back and change. I wish I never accepted a second Earthquake date. I wish I had dumped his sorry ass the moment I found out about the first lie. But I didn’t, and I can’t change that.

Maybe someday, I will look back on this and see some purpose. But not today. 

Not concerning myself with the future is also a bit troubling for me. There are things in my future that I have to prepare for. I have to be concerned about the day when I might not walk. I can almost guarantee that there will be a time when my right eye will be worthless. I need to concern myself with that possibility.

But, I get the point. I don’t need to spend my very limited energy fretting about what my life will look like in 10 years.  And I already know what it will look like. I will be in a disaster-free world, surrounded by people who honestly love me. I think that is the most anyone can ask for.

Step through new doors. The majority of the time there’s something fantastic on the other side.

I’ll agree with that for the most part. But there is a part two of that thought:

Believe in live and let live.

This is not something you do for others. You do it for yourself.

Learn to forgive and embrace unconditional love.

This one gave me pause. I’m not sure there is such a thing as unconditional love, except possibly the love between parent and child. And I am not sure I want there to be. Most love has limits. It needs to change and evolve. I think love needs to be earned. Every day.

I think there is only one person you should offer unconditional love (aside from your children) is yourself. You deserve it.

Live every day as if it’s your last, embracing each experience as if it’s your first.

I am not sure I like this one either. I don’t think anyone should embrace an experience as if you have never had it before. I think that we all need to apply the lessons we learned from our past to make decisions about our present. For example, the next time I find condoms in a drawer and know that they were not used with me, I will not put my head on the sand and hope it goes away. 

And I understand the idea behind living each day as your last. Life is uncertain. But my mortality has been shoved in my face over the last 9 months or so. Sometimes, I just don’t want to think about it.

Use quiet reflection, honesty, and laughter.

Those three things have been seriously deficient in my life. Like the lack Vitamin D in my body, that may or may not have caused my disappearing myelin, I need to up my levels.

I am not without responsibility in the Earthquake disaster. I lied too. I lied to myself. Well, and I faked a few orgasms…. But we all do that from time to time. After an hour or so, it's time to sleep. 

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

And, isn’t it all small stuff, really?