Thursday, February 6, 2014

Untying Knots

I got a phone call yesterday regarding a job that I had applied to eight or ten weeks ago.

The job was for a writing position near where Mr. Earthquake was moving.  I really didn't want to move to the South. But, a couple months ago, during a conversation about what we were doing to feed and grow our relationship,  Mr. E told me it would be nice if he got an encouraging card or loving email once in a while. He said I didn't do things like that often enough. He suggested that perhaps I could look at schools and jobs near him.

He said that it would be nice to know I was working towards being together. So, to work towards that, I looked at possible schools and possible jobs.

Taking a different tack to work towards being together, he took up with some woman that was exactly what he said he didn't want. But hey, maybe she is that needle in the haystack. Well except for that minor detail that she is a single mom--he has "tried dating women with kids and it didn't work." Oh, and that whole part about how long distance relationships are too hard. But too late now. They are Facebook official. Poor girl.

Anyway, while he was off looking behind Door Number 2, I saw a job that would be well suited for me. And I applied. I didn't tell anyone, because it seemed mean to give anyone false hope or false worry.

I had honestly forgotten all about the job. I've had other things on my mind in the last couple weeks. But they called me to set up a phone interview. I could have made this job happen. I am sure of it. I was who they were looking for. But, I had to thank them for considering me and decline.

It is too much for me to even think about. Once again, I had brushed against the beach ball.

Anyway, I had some other knots I had to wrench free. I unpacked the small box that was ready to be sent East for the most horrid of all holidays. I hate Valentines Day. I always have. But I wanted to give something to the man I loved.

Aside--I wish there was a switch I could flip to turn off love. But, nothing in my life is that easy. So who are we kidding with love in past tense.

Until my father retired a while ago, my family owned a jewelry store. My grandfather purchased it, and that is how my grandparents ended up in Utah. My father took it over when my grandpa died. One of the very special things we had at the store was a series of private label watches.

They are lovely timepieces with the name of my grandfather's store inscribed on the face. And there is a fairly exclusive club of watch owners. They are given as an award to a Westminster College graduating student who had overcome great obstacles to make it through school. Every once in a while, I come across one out in the world. And when I do, I know that, in a way, they are a part of my family.

And I wanted Mr. E to have one.

That was what was in the box. It's a beautiful watch. A dual time movement that can be set to both his and my time zones. I thought it would be a sweet reminder that we were never that far away from each other.

The watch goes back in my drawer. Maybe Kidlet will like to wear it someday, when he goes off to explore the world. The card that was on top of the box goes in the recycling bin.

There is no better place to be than Las Vegas in July (she said, with great sarcasm). But that is when RollerCon happens. And I really wanted to go. All the clinics, the friendships, the skating. I really wanted to feel like a part of it. But I didn't buy a ticket. I was planning to use the money on seeing E that week, because it is his birthday--the day after my birthday. It will be his 40th. I was trying to organize something special.

So... I'm free the last week of July if anyone wants to do anything. I took the time off work already, so I'm up for suggestions.

I built his children a board to store their Lego figures. I thought it would be nice for them to hang in their new room at their dad's apartment. I had that ready to send as soon as I had E's new address. Maybe my nephew would like it.

So, yes, because of recent events and earthquakes, I've had to undo some knots.

But, there have been other knots undone as well. The constant knot in my stomach--the one that would tighten when I thought about the next humiliation that I would experience--that knot is dissolving. The knot between my shoulder blades that burns when I am stressed and sad has gotten a little better. The other shoe has finally fallen.

The delicious irony of this whole sad story? I am the needle. And I never hid in any haystacks.


  1. i haven't checked in for a while so i just wanted to say that your posts over the last week are all really brilliant writing - it's quite a skill to create something so beautiful from situations so horrible - i wish you better times.

    as an aside (related to your earlier post, obviously), my wife is a film nerd/lecturer so our daughter's top 3 films are:

    1 - The Muppets (the recent one - genuinely brilliant)
    2 - Wizard of Oz
    3 - Mary Poppins

    1. What an amazing thing to say. Stevedomino, you made my day. :)

      And I forgot about Mary Poppins! Shame on me. That is going to have to be our next movie.